May 26, 2008
Why I dont have a life..
I really dont, at least according to some.. I have no schedule, the hours I wake up and go to bed are usually a matter of random guessing. My critics (who claim to have my best interests in mind) claim i’m not capable, that its some physiological problem yada yada yada and I need to seek professional help.
To be honest, I find it somewhat funny.. because I dont follow the norms and go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning.. I need help? or actually that there is a problem to begin with.
The only argument that holds water is that of judaismm, being that judaism is time based.. its a issue if you have no concept of time.. except that I do!
I very rarely miss shema.. true when I was younger I did but it did not matter so much to me. If I go to bed “late” i.e. past netz I say shema in tefillin and go to sleep. If I go to bed “early” usually pre 4am, I wake up 9’sh and daven and maybe go back to bed.
Now, my point isnt my sleeping patterns per see, its the fact that I seem to have issues (in the eyes of others) that I choose to live my life haphazardly in one big random blurb. And supposedly this makes me in need of help.
My father accuses me of making excuses, it isnt so.. I dont usually have a need to justify things to myself.. if its wrong I dont justify it.. I tell myself that its wrong and we gotta fix it.. thats not to say I fix it always but at least I see my errors and want to change and eventually I do!
Now, this whole “getting a life” business is that I honestly just dont give a crap.. no like really I don..its just not worth the hassle for me..
And before you brand me as being lazy, you should double check if you know me.. i’m the farthest from the lazy planet you can be.
The difference is, I avoid hassles like the plague, at least when I can.. on issues I deem insignificant… Judaism never is a hassle.. neither is Eeretz yisrael, Family, friends.. in that order.
When strangers try to talk to me, I usually ignore em or play dumb (youd be surprised how many people think I am a vegetable which I find it extremely funny and heartwarming) My reason is, ts just not worth the hassle, i’m doing the other guy a favor too.. if you put the effort in to talk to me I will do the same in return.
If you had the choice of eating food that would give you acid, gas, diarrhea and make you puke.. chances are you wouldn’t eat it.. but we mostly do anyways … which is why Tums is a billion dollar business, same for alka seltzer, pepto bismol and pink bismuth..and on and on..
I could set a routine which will be broken when I next get surgery.. and its just a hassle for me.. double hassle that is, getting into routine now, breaking that routine after surgery… getting into routine in hospital / recovery and getting back after.
So I can hear you accusing me of self pity, which couldent be the farthest from the truth.. I really dont have any pity for myself..
I can adapt yes, I can overcome yes.. but I dont want to.. I dont see that as a need to seek help.. because its not a problem to me.. it may make me a idiot, but cracked ? I think not.
Sorry folks, as long as I hear the words MRI’s, Neurosurgeon and open ticket.. regardless of the need for surgery or not.. the only routine i’m sticking to is 2 cups of coffee a day.
Why dont I just rise above it all? ignore it ? I can and do.. but i’m always slapped back to earth, like the man on 1st getting the lead to 2nd, the cow and the electrified fence, the prisoner in chains.. Allways getting that slap telling em togo back, reminding them of the reality.
I think all this tough guy talk is BS.. honestly.. no one stays tough at all ends.. you either let go and become apathetic as I have or you break down and go loony as they accuse me of having done.
I find the whole speeches of optimism of fighting and overcoming and yada yada yada…you just need to believe.. like speech on the roof of a building telling everyone they will miraculously fly they just need to jump..
Sure I believe, I believe I will either live or die.. you cant choose both.. the point is, i’d love to believe the tumors will stop but I doubt they will… I think thats dumb and a unrealistic dream /expectation.
Does that mean I give up? well maybe who knows.. primarily because i’m not very attached to living.. I guess its a day by day process which would also explain why I dont put much worry into the future.
Either the futureis good, in which case its good. Or it isnt in which case i’ll manage somehow.. I really dont care if this make me cuckoo or a moron, jerk, wacko and whatnot.. your free not to read my blog.. I dont give a ounce of horse’s piss.. honestly..
I believe its a long fight, I believe it isnt in my power to affect wining or losing though I can pray to that effect.. I could also on the other hand, impact it the other way by just not getting surgery.
I am also alot tougher than your Russian grandmother, surgery nor pain does not scare me.. nothing does.. its jut a huge hassle, a pain in the butt (or head or back etc..)
My goal is to find some kind of balance.. you need a certain amount of apathy to allow your body to be cut up time after time.. the well worn argument “well lets get this done and over with” is a piece of crap.. cause you keep saying that over and over like a scratched CD.
On the other hand, to little apathy causes you not to give a damn about EVERYTHING and you lose any will to get cut up to begin with.
I am writting this for myself, if you want to read it thats your problem.. but refrain from giving me negative feedback because I honestly dont give a crap.. and chances are I bear a deep burning anger and animosity towards you..I am just too nice to say it.
Filed under: state of judea
No Comments
1 Comment
